Amateur is a four letter word

[wallwalker]

That rant I've been talking about... I've been spending so much time thinking about it, and honestly, I really think that I've been chasing a pipe dream for far too many years.

Amateur.

It's a dirty word, isn't it? It's what people say when they want to insult their peers' ability, or their experience. Never mind that I've met amateurs in various fields that would blow certified professionals out of the water with their skill or their experience or their passion for the work. "Amateur" is still treated as an insult, because they don't get paid for it. Since the professionals earn money for what they do, they must be better, more worthy.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this in the last few days. You see, I've been writing for a very, very long time. I've never clocked myself, but I'm pretty sure that I've spent over ten thousand hours writing so far during my lifetime - and it's the only thing that I've spent that much time on over the years. I've spent a lot of time doing it, I've spent a lot of time studying it, and I've dreamed of being a professional writer for... I don't even know how long, to be honest. Probably since high school, when I calmed down enough to actually write, and got my first story published in some high-school journal.

But I've been thinking. Do I really have it in me to be a professional writer, to actually earn an income off of what I write? For that matter, when everything is said and done, is that what I really want to do with my life?

There's no doubt in my mind that I enjoy writing itself. It's one of my favorite things. The feeling that I get when everything comes together and I can entertain people and make them think is a fantastic feeling, and I love it and I always will. But making a living off of it... I'm reminded of something that my roommate said, once, when we were talking about his college work. He has always loved computers, so he's studying programming, specifically hardware programming... and he hates it. He hates something that he's loved for years, because he's studying to make a living off of it.

I've already had moments when I hated writing because of the pressure involved. I think that's going to get many, many times worse if I ever go professional. As in, if I have strict deadlines that I have to meet to get food on the table. If I have to write and rewrite to suit publishers and editors and critics who are never going to be entirely pleased anyway. If I ever have to write something that I really don't care about, or even like, for the sake of a contract. And I don't want to hate writing. I just want to tell stories.

Besides, let's look at the facts, here. I met last year's word count goal, and exceeded it. Two hundred and fifty thousand words. That, for reference, is approximately five hundred pages, which would be a respectable length for a novel and would hold an awful lot of short stories. When I first started on this goal last January, I started at least ten original projects during that month alone. And now, a full year later, how many of them do you think are finished? Have I managed to see a single idea through to completion, or even to a finished rough draft? No, not a single one. Seriously, the ONLY stories that I've managed to see through to something close to the end this year were started in either November or December, for a fanfiction exchange. Even when I try to force myself to work on the other projects, as so many published authors suggest that the amateurs do so that they can join their prestigious ranks, it doesn't work. I hit a wall until I switch to another project, and with all of the switching I've done you would really think that at least one thing would've been finished by now.

Unless something in me just really dreads the next step enough to not want to finish them at all. I really think that's the main problem. I have a much easier time writing something - anything - that I know is unpublishable for whatever reason. If I'm writing original fiction that could conceivably be put on the market, I often choke, and I never managed to finish anything.

I'm not accomplishing anything, and I know it. I mean, I enjoy writing. I have fun with it. I just don't think I'm really cut out to make a living off of it. I enjoy the craft and the art of writing, but I don't know how to deal with the mechanism that waits behind it. So no, I'm not going to give up writing because I love it too much, but I don't think that I'm ever going to be a professional. I'll be an amateur. And I'm not going to let that be an insult anymore, because being an amateur, in a way, requires more dedication than being a professional; it means that you're giving up your free time to do something, if it's something that isn't earning you a paycheck.

I have to say, though, that admitting it is really, really hard. Part of me wants to delete this whole rant and keep right on chasing the pipe dream, because it doesn't know what else to do. It thinks I've spent too much time writing NOT to try to make money off of it. It thinks that my only alternatives are to be a writer, or to spend the rest of my life at the same dead-end job that I'm at now, or to sit around the house letting someone else support me and not really accomplishing anything. I really think that most of the reason that I'm still trying to be a writer is because I want to defy that feeling, but even though I'm not really accomplishing anything, I stick with it because doing something else would be harder.

Let's be honest, I don't know what else I would do. I'm afraid to try to find out. Actually, no, it goes deeper than that. I don't even know how to start pursuing something else without bankrupting myself (in the emotional, physical or financial sense... probably all three, truth be told.) Worse, I have no idea what to pursue and I'm currently depressed and confused to the point that I can't bring myself to care. I'm afraid that I'm probably going to end up doing a lot of running around in circles and wasting a lot of time and energy and money, when I do not have anything close to an ample store of any of the three.

Still. Maybe I can at least find something that I want to try, or find things that I know I don't want to do and go from there. I'm not happy with the way things stand. I have to do something different, or I'll be in the exact same place ten years from now, and still unhappy.

At least I have a few other ideas. Granted, I have no real clue how to learn more about them without spending money I don't have, but I'll just have to do research and find out. It can't be impossible. I know too many others who've done it.

I have to try something new. The old way isn't working.

Comments

[crankyoldman]

I think that is a very mature approach to things. Not saying you aren't a good writer--you are--but really evaluating if you can put the time and energy in to be a professional is a hard thing.

I have too many people on my LJ list that are like, "I'll make a living off of writing!" simply because it's fun and don't realize just how much work goes into it. And I put a shit ton of work into college and probably couldn't do it. Mostly because I hate the idea of an editor disliking my premise for stories or them not being marketable (they aren't, but that's half of why I write them).

I think there's not shame in being a hobby writer (I am) and having a "day job" so to speak. I think it's a lot more realistic. It doesn't mean you can't get SOME income off of writing, though. I notice you RP a lot--have you ever looked into writing scenarios for that? I know someone that has gotten things added to manuals and the like.

I'm kind of in the "well what now?" phase too, even if I got The Degree I still haven't a clue about the future beyond "ask work how much they can pay you, move out".

Anything you choose to do in life will be hard, but it's deciding what sort of hard you can tolerate that makes it worth it. Even if I adore history and writing and probably would make a bang-up professor in those things I decided not to because I can't tolerate the politics of such work, how subjective it is, and basically prefer something more performance based.

I assure you, there are things out there where you can be creative that aren't terrible. Evaluate what you have now before seeking further. If you need to take a class, see if a community college has it first (as they are cheaper and great for just trying something out).

And remember, just because you aren't a FULL time writer doesn't mean you have to give up if you want at least ONE thing published. There are lots of cases of people that spend years on a novel that does eventually get published. Go at your own pace with that in the meantime, just make sure you've found some way to stay fed. XD

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here, and I know a couple people that switched life goals later in life (and one of them has a kid too) if you ever want perspective on that.

It'll be ok.

[wallwalker]

Thank you. :) Also, good point on the distinction between full-time writer and part-time writer.

I just need to figure out an alternative for a day job that doesn't numb my soul. I have a fairly steady full-time job, and I'm grateful for that, and that'll keep me fed and housed for now, but it's boring. I mean, incredibly and mind-numbingly boring. There's nothing there to interest me, and I'm getting sick of that. I used to be relatively happy with it, just because it wasn't very mentally stimulating and it gave me time to think about plots for stories, but... not any more. Now it's too dull, but requires too much thought regardless. (Also, I swear I get slower and slower at my job as the years go on. Seems backwards...)

As for what I can tolerate, well. I need something that's intellectually stimulating that actually helps people in some meaningful way. I think that's part of what I dislike about my current job... it feels utterly unnecessary.

[crankyoldman]

Alright, have you considered picking up volunteering first? There's many types of volunteering, some that are intellectually stimulating and the general idea behind volunteering is to benefit people. And sometimes that leads to a paying type thing later. Good way to get your feet wet with something without wasting too many resources (I mention this because I am considering volunteering at a kids science museum in the area myself... because I dunno it sounds fun).

And I get the numbing day job thing; that's lame, you don't want that. But it's good to have a clearer idea before jumping rocks. XD Not to be discouraging! I say go for it, but before you get yourself worked up, explore your options. Options are good.

[wallwalker]

Yes, options are a good thing. And the reason I'm so conflicted is because I don't want to - and more importantly, can't - just quit my day job and look for something better. I have seen what happens to people who quit their day job to look for something better, especially in this area. A couple of my best friends have had some epic struggles with unemployment because of that.

I'm looking into volunteer opportunities. This area isn't overlarge, and so there aren't as many opportunities as there are in, say, New York or Hampton Roads or even maybe Little Rock. (I've looked at working with animals, but I've discovered that it breaks my heart too much, as much as I love the poor little things.)

[cypher]

Oh man, this all rings so true for me. I feel like I'm in a very similar position -- I love writing, telling stories, sharing stories...but nothing can make me lock up faster than worrying about selling stories, worrying about how to write something "publishable" (whatever that's supposed to mean) or fretting about how to convince an agent/editor to give me a chance.

...and then I spent a lot of 2008 watching a talented friend beat herself bloody against the closed doors of the publishing industry, and that made it a lot worse. She was a good writer with interesting ideas, and she could actually finish books, which I could not! Why wouldn't anyone give her a chance? It was sort of terrifying.

When I sort of dismissively referred to my own interest in writing fiction as amateur, back when I was in school, the prof. I was talking to pointed out that amateur is, in fact, from the french for "lover": an amateur is someone who engages in a pursuit out of love for it. And that's always made me feel a little better about the word; it doesn't have to indicate sub-par skill -- it's really about one's own enthusiasm.

Good luck finding a new path! It's never as easy as we want it to be, but yes, people do it, and you can too. ♥

[lassarina]

....That's awesome, re: origin of amateur. I might have to print that out and tape it to the top of my desk, just to remind myself that it's okay to do this for fun.

[wallwalker]

...I am also going to be taping that definition to my desk. Never knew that, and that's awesome.

And thank you. The hard part right now, I think, is finding the ground. ^^;

[wallwalker]

Also, regarding the publishing industry... yes, that's part of the reason I'm so intimidated. I've heard similar stories about it, in terms that make "beat herself bloody" look like an overkind description. I too know a number of very talented people who've tried and tried and tried to get their foot in the door only to have it rigged with explosives. Or something.

I don't want to give up on something just because "it's too hard," but I don't know the right balance here - just how long do you spend at what feels like trying to knock a brick wall down with your head before you're justified in saying, "Okay, this isn't working" and moving on?

(Meant to post this last night; I was sharing a laptop and had to give it back.)

[lassarina]

I think previous commenters are saying Very Smart Things. I especially like Cendri's suggestion of doing game scenarios/packs. I think you'd be super good at that, remembering our e-mails about Changeling.

When I was little I said I wanted to be a professional writer. Now, I say I want to be a writer. I don't much care if I get paid for it (hahahaha 125K words of Every Light I am so totally looking at you). I can't stop writing, but it doesn't have to earn money to have value.

sister_coyote said something a while back - I don't remember where - about how she didn't want to be a fiction writer for a living, because she never wanted the pressure of "must pay rent and food" to overwhelm her pleasure in writing. I feel much the same way. This isn't to say I'll never pursue publishing - I almost certainly will try at least a few times - but it IS to say that I don't want it to be my career (unless of course I win the lottery and "career" becomes "that thing I do so that my life has structure and I do not go completely crazy.")

[wallwalker]

I do think I could be good at that sort of thing, perhaps! Like I told Cendri, a lot of my words from last year were from just that sort of thing - helping a friend of mine flesh out his new nWoD templates. And besides that, I spent a lot of time just throwing ideas out at him for sources he could use, ideas for new abilities and names, that sort of thing. (He was, as I recall, particularly grateful that I told him about the Book of Enoch for one of them. If that tells you anything.) I don't know if he's going to show them to the nWoD community, try to publish any of them online, or even get any of them to the point where they can be played independently of his game, but we're working on them anyway. (We're sort of posting them on a wiki, but it's nowhere near done, and the guy who has the final say over powers and mechanics is very, very busy and doesn't have time to just sit around and work on gaming stuff.)

And yes, that quote equals truth. I don't want writing to be another chore, like taking out garbage, that I learn to dread because of its necessity. :/ Getting paid for it isn't worth that. So time to find another way, although that's honestly the hard part, like I said. I don't like my current job, but I've got to figure out where to start in finding something better.

(Totally thinking of starting up that C:tL game again, by the way. I spent some time digging up those old e-mails so that I could remind myself of my own metaplot; I'm probably going to ask my players about what their goals were and what sorts of mysteries in the game at large they wanted answered, because if I can't remember a plot point and they didn't really care about it, I won't feel so bad overlooking it. Also I probably won't be able to include my roommate because of her work schedule, sadly. But the other three players are very excited.)